"I was not your first love. You had made boys and the pursuit to have a boyfriend your idols. Kayla you had failed to see me as your pursuit. Now, come and let me be your only pursuit." God spoke this to me some years ago, after leaving a horrible stressful relationship, which was the worst year of my life.
I was broken ladies, broken to the point that all I wanted was God.
I fasted for a whole month. I wanted to reach a place of being redeemed! I wanted to be at the same place in God before I had this little "slip-up," I called it. I wanted to be sure that this time around, in remaining in my season of singleness, I wouldn't make the same silly mistake. "God," I said, crying and dropping to my knees, "I've failed you, my family, and also my-self." Isn't that funny, we think there is a need to have a big grand entry and performance to run-through before coming to God and repenting? Thank God for His grace, love, and mercy, we don't have to do that whole "spill." We can simply ask God to forgive us the minute we sin and, instantly, He forgives.
Well, I felt the presence of the Lord hover around me and I sensed this huge embrace from my Father, I like to call Him that. I felt as if God had given me the hugest hug, as I remained on my knees crying before Him.
What went wrong you may ask, right? Well, ladies let me tell you.
Before this episode, I had my heart set entirely on having a boyfriend and I was missing the importance, impact, and purpose of my season in singleness! I never even knew that the season of singleness existed until this craziest year of my life took place. I figured at some point in my life I was supposed to have a boyfriend. I figured that it would be then, when "I" wanted one.
I fasted for a whole month. I wanted to reach a place of being redeemed! I wanted to be at the same place in God before I had this little "slip-up," I called it. I wanted to be sure that this time around, in remaining in my season of singleness, I wouldn't make the same silly mistake. "God," I said, crying and dropping to my knees, "I've failed you, my family, and also my-self." Isn't that funny, we think there is a need to have a big grand entry and performance to run-through before coming to God and repenting? Thank God for His grace, love, and mercy, we don't have to do that whole "spill." We can simply ask God to forgive us the minute we sin and, instantly, He forgives.
Well, I felt the presence of the Lord hover around me and I sensed this huge embrace from my Father, I like to call Him that. I felt as if God had given me the hugest hug, as I remained on my knees crying before Him.
What went wrong you may ask, right? Well, ladies let me tell you.
Before this episode, I had my heart set entirely on having a boyfriend and I was missing the importance, impact, and purpose of my season in singleness! I never even knew that the season of singleness existed until this craziest year of my life took place. I figured at some point in my life I was supposed to have a boyfriend. I figured that it would be then, when "I" wanted one.
May I remind you again, did I mention it already? This was the most unsettling, distracting, restless, and uneasy year of my life. Being connected to this young man, it wasn't the will of God and it wasn't the right season, but in my mind, I wanted to have a boyfriend. My heart lusted for the image, the appearance, the idea of being in a relationship and having a boyfriend. I had never ever been in a serious serious relationship before and I thought that now was my time, right? I graduated from high-school, getting ready to head to college, and I had this idea that I needed to have a boyfriend. WRONG IDEA! I hadn't fully committed my heart to God. I had just come out of a sticky situation where I had my heart tied around some guy that took me to the Senior Ball! I thought I was "in love." Ha, total and complete little girl, prince charming, infatuation, can we call it! I began to open my heart too soon to the idea of being in a relationship and I knew it wasn't right. However, I wanted to be in a relationship so bad. I did not realize that I was opening my heart up to be broken.
Everyone warned me about this guy, whom I will soon tell you about, my parents, my family, and GOD!
I met this young man in my second year of college through an associate, now that should tell you something. I met this guy through an associate? Not a friend? And still even if it was a friend, a Godly friend would prayerfully understand the season you are in and wouldn't bring a temptation your way as such. All in all, to make a long story short. I knew that this guy wasn't a part of God's perfect will for my life. The moment I met him my insides were turning and I didn't feel comfortable. Let's pause, this my dears, I shall say is a great demonstration of the Holy Spirit at work. We have these feelings for a reason! I knew this guy wasn't for me, but again I wanted a boyfriend right? Shaking my head. I sadly ignored the Holy Spirit and everyone else.
For a whole year, I wrestled within inside of myself, knowing that I shouldn't be in this relationship with this guy. He was broken. He needed to be healed from past failed relationships, childhood events, and simply he needed Christ to help him more than he needed me. Basically we both were not evidently ready to be in a relationship nor were we ready to be in a relationship leading to marriage.
Throughout this whole time, I felt compromised. I did things I thought I would never do. Certain boundaries I had enact were broken. I am still a virgin and thank God. However, other things I had been taught to keep for my husband were robbed. Even though, I was a contributor of these things being robbed, I simply felt like I lost myself in this crazy mess. I was simply too kind and too nice to stand-up for myself.
During the time that I so wanted a boyfriend, I listened and I allowed so many people to place bad seeds in my heart and mind. Everyone was amazed that I was 18 and I had never been kissed before and that I was a virgin and all these things. I allowed so many people to put filthy little dirty seeds into my heart and mind that I begin to feed them. As I fed these little bad seeds, they grew. They grew to the point that I connected with this young man and things I kept for my wedding day were robbed. Never been kissed, oh girlie that was sadly gone! Even though I didn't lose my virginity, this was enough loss for me. I knew I could never get back the statement "Never been kissed" and other things. I was heartbroken. Even in the midst of me giving into my fleshly desires, I always heard the gentle and fatherly voice of God telling me, "Kayla you don't need this. I see you more precious and worthy in my sight compared to how this boy views you. I can offer you more and what I offer you is for eternity."
Ladies I'm telling you, every time I would say or do something, that should have been reserved for my one-day future husband, I felt convicted, ashamed, and dirty! Yes, no matter what kind of sin that ensnares us, we end-up feeling dirty and distant from God. Sin stains, however, I want you to know that it is the blood of Jesus Christ that washes you and makes you whole again! Sin can't have that strong of a hold on you. It has to succumb to the mighty name of Jesus and you know what, you are free!!!
So, yes ladies, a whole year of this internal turmoil and consistent talks with my loving parents and family members, urging me to loose ties with this guy. We were too close. If anything, he was sent our way to be helped spiritually and be healed from his past. My father was a pastor and we had our own ministry. I wanted to help him and of course I couldn't. I wasn't the source or the one who could help him. He needed Jesus just as much as I needed Him!
Eventually, I had enough of this distant, separated, awkward relationship with God. Believe you me, this whole year I still prayed to God, I read my bible, went to church, but I always always always felt convicted! Quite frankly, I was out of the will of God by being out of season. I was in a God UNpermitted relationship, if I can call it.
New Year's Day 2010 rolled around, as I said it was a complete year, I called him and told him, "I can't do this anymore." I didn't care that it was New Year's day, a new year. I knew this was the perfect opportunity to get my life back on track with God. I didn't want to waste anymore time. I felt the pressure of the conviction and I couldn't stand under the weight of sin anymore. Every morning I woke up or went to sleep, I knew that I was out of fellowship with God. I was living a compromised life.
After I woke up the next day, from telling him it was over, I went to spend time with God to get things right by repenting again. I repented the day I told the young man it was over. However, I was still heartbroken from the whole situation and I was weeping before the Lord. So, I thought that I was finished. I had officially cut ties with this guy. But NO, I wasn't finished. During my time with God, I had randomly turned to a verse in the bible and I knew that the Father was speaking to my heart through His word. The verse was, James 5:16 "Confess your faults one to another, and pray one for another, that ye may be healed." During my time with the Lord, I instantly knew there was one more thing that I needed to do in order to get the healing process started. I needed to have someone to help me, pray with me, and pray for me through this process. I had already confessed my sins to God, but I needed added assistance from one of my sisters in Christ.
Biggest note: It is important that you have someone to turn to pray with you. As you move forward pursuing God, being solely committed to Him and being restored, healed, the enemy will try to condemn you and many other thoughts will try to discourage you. However, I say stay strong, lean on God and His love. Also, I encourage you to keep going to a trusted and strong sister in Christ anytime you start to feel the enemy firing you down with thoughts of condemnation, low self-esteem, and anything else that isn't of God.
So, I went to my loving sister and confessed my sins as the bible says. Again, I wanted to be healed!! I was balling like a baby when I told her. She was such a sister, =) she said "Kayla you really are stressing over nothing." She definitely helped. She helped me to see the things that I was definitely hard on myself about, but she read me verses from the bible that would help me stand against the sins I had fallen prey to. I thank God for her each day because my sister was so helpful to me.
I confessed to my parents as well. This was the hardest thing. I was definitely close with my parents, like slice bread in a bag, and this situation with the guy had sadly put a very tiny small wedge between us. In my adolescent mind, I thought that this was going to make or break our relationship. Glory to God!! It further MADE our relationship STRONGER! I told them all the areas were I had compromised and started balling again. I so needed their spiritual guidance and wisdom. They were and are my spiritual coverings. I needed them to greatly help restore me and build me back up again. If it weren't for my parents guidance in the word of God and constant love and affection I would have drowned in condemnation and sorrow. My parents always told me God had forgiven me and they did too, but I had the hardest time forgiving myself. Yet, I did!
I spent time with God again later on that day after talking with my parents. I was so desperate for God. I had a broken spirit and a contrite heart (Psalm 51:7). This the Lord doesn't despise!
So, I went to God again, balling like a baby!
And this my friends is where I started! The beginning of this post is a description of when I went to God and He spoke to my heart. This was the beginning of my new pursuit for God and not boys part 1! =D There is more! I want you to know that you DO NOT, again DO NOT, have to feel pressured to fall into the temptation of having a boyfriend sweetheart! With you and God, your a force. You with a boy in the wrong season, you all are simply a distraction to each other! So my friends stay strong, there is more to come! =) You can overcome! You are not your past!
Kayla Landry =)
